Dear J.O.B

 Dear Sir/Madame
Date:  4th September 2010
Position Applied: All (am desperate)
Full time

I have been applying to the many positions advertised on various websites from: Guardian jobs to Monster.com. But I have yet to succeed. My CV has been revamped more times than Rihanna has had hairstyles. My covering letters tweaked and preened within an inch of their lives. Am I doing something wrong.
You have been missing from my life now for nearly a year. I miss you. Well not you per se, but the financial security that you provide. HOWEVER, you continue to elude me as if I was some common thief in the night. Have I done something to offend you?

If so then please tell me, that way i can lie on my CV and tell you all the things that you want to hear. I just want to make it right.

I have been at university on a four year course just to please you. Ensuring that I am equipped with the right knowledge and skills that will meet the  required needs of your workforce. Was it all a waste of time?
I know that there are millions and millions of your kind out there right now, but I wish to find the right one. The dream J.O.B, the one that everyone craves.

A want a J.O.B that will allow me to travel the world. I want a J.O.B where am not going to be chained down to my desk and be asked to make coffee and  do mundane tasks everyday. a J.O.B that is flexible and realises that me and early starts are not the best of friends. In fact we are mortal enemies. Death to the AM starts. I want a J.O.B that has cool and interesting people around. A J.O.B that will afford me the luxury to buy new Clothes, Shoes, Car, House and all the little wonders of this great world. A J.O.B that will make use of my education, after all i did not spend half of  my life reading books and writing essays only to end up as a check out girl down the local supermarket. I don't think that's asking for too much.

I just want you to meet my requirements and I am sure that we will get on like a house on fire. You invest in me and I will invest in you. tit for tat. Its a dog eat dog world after all. I just don't want to end up like those people who despise their J.O.B.s. Therefore although you are taking your time to go through my application, I know that people's rejection is God's protection and that the right J.O.B is on the way soon.

But please hurry J.O.B because I am extremely broke. I don't know for how much longer I can hang on. If your testing me to see how faithful and devoted I am, then by all means do. But for the mean time can you please send a rich bloke down my way to keep me afloat until you get here because JSA (Job Seekers Allowance) can only last for so long.

J.O.B I HAVE A DEGREE, STOP MESSING WITH ME!!!!!!!! I HAVE 3 LETTERS AFTER MY NAME . YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO YOUR DEALING WITH.

I apologies I did not mean to take that tone with you. Take your time and consider me for any suitable position within your establishment.

Yours Faithfully,

Jay Bee