Home Alone

Evertime I step foot in the door i’m controlled by my fears. As the door slams shut and the outside world disappears my Fear and I go head to head in the ring.

Fear jeers at me, pummeling me into the ground, mocking my plans and dreams, goading me into giving up -exclaiming that I’ll never succeed!

Fear morphs itself into failure, trapping me in a votex which I can’t seem to escape from and slowly sucks me into its deep abyss.

At least when i’m outside Fear is kept at bay, swallowed up by the bright city lights and by the racket of passers by. It offers me respite for a little while.

Nevertheless I have to make my way home. I can’t escape forever.

 I find myself alone. 

These four walls refuse to give me solace. I think and think and tear away at myself; giving into the doubts that haunt me every night.

Once again, Fear creeps into my heart and embeds itself effortlessly into my soul. The word ‘Failure’ springs out and once again the battle commences.

Maybe soon I’ll escape it. Maybe one day I’ll stand up to it. But at this very moment I give into my fears 

and Failure finds itself branded upon my head.

Go Shorty it's your Birthday!

My birthday is vast approaching and to say that I am dreading it is an understatement. Yes, I should be thankful that another year will be added to my life and all that jazz but I’m not properly living my life.

No. I’m not the un-dead, pretty sure that a pulse beats firmly under my skin. However, like Drake said “everybody dies but not everybody lives” – how true a statement is this.

There’s so many plans that I had made, so many goals that I should’ve reached at this stage in my life and many have yet come to pass. I am still battling and striving to make them come true but as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn to months, I feel like waving my white flag and just surrender.

This birthday is arriving too quickly – I’ve hardly had time to catch my breath. I know I have many things to be thankful for and I’m in a much better position than most- it’s just that I want better for myself. And there is nothing wrong with that.

So as midnight approaches on the 10th of June – I will be a year older and maybe a little bit wiser. Let me sit in my room with my bottle of Rosé listening to slow jams and reminisce about good times

Cheers I’ll drink to that!

To Fro or not to Fro?

Lovely people I have recently been featured on Amu.dat's lovely blog, documenting my  journey from relaxed hair to natural. I also write about the products I've been using during my transition which may help others on the journey.

Check out the article HERE and make sure you read Amu Dat a very interesting fashion blog about African fashion.

Read and enjoy. 

Why I write!

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self” Cyril Connelly

Reasons why I write:

1.       As a form of escapism – I write mainly to escape my troubles and woes; I find that when I’m in pain or feeling low; my writing is at its best. Sounds tragic, but sometimes the best works in art comes from channeling some sort of pain. When I pick up a pen I know that magic will happen. I will be whisked away to a far away land where my problems and anxiety will not follow. Yes, they shape what I write at times, but with my pen at my side I become invincible. I am untouchable. My sidekick and I understand each other like siamese twins joined at the heart.  Writing enables me to go anywhere I want, I can do anything, nothing is impossible. I can shine!

2.       To vent – This goes hand in hand with number one – most of the time I use my writing to vent, I take out all my frustrations on the page until the pen bleeds. It allows me to say the things I wouldn’t dare say out loud for fear of rebuttal or reprisal. I can unleash my wrath for all to see disguised in literary prose and colourful language. It comforts me by giving me a much needed outlet for release. Writing is my opium! My Redbull - giving me wings to soar high above the sky. Why get high when I can pick my pen and fly?

3.       To create – When I look back at some of the pieces that I have written I am in awe. In awe, because I cannot believe that I wrote it - my thoughts and feelings are there in living colour. However insignificant some of my past stories may seem to some, to me they are works of art. I may not be Stephen King or Carol Ann Duffy but you know what, I don’t care. I am a creator; my masterpieces are there for all to see. If you buy it, cool, if not then that’s cool too, they still exist - hanging over my mantlepiece. 

4.       Love - I love to write. Simple as that. My pen and I are one. To seperate one from the other would be catastrophic. Writing lives in me and I live for it. It’s a hobby, my passion, my love.   

What do you want to be in the future?

This question seems innocuous enough, relatively harmful even, but really it's a minefield - filled with booby traps ready to cut you up within seconds. It's a strange and puzzling question. One that I have been asked many times and yet, I am still unable to give a concrete answer.

Why should I just limit myself to one particular field, unless it's something really specialised like medicine or engineering, of which neither interests me. I want to do everything!

Maybe this answer is far too broad but I really don't know want I want. I'm a lost sheep.

Yesterday I wanted to be a high flying business women, today I want to be a writer, maybe tomorrow I'll be an actress. The world is my oyster. Isn't this what people say? Then why do so many people want to  box me in.


It is this indecision which has me discombobulated and doubting myself.
Must I really choose? Can't I have it all?

Does anyone really know what they want today let alone tomorrow.

I'm I really alone in this thinking?

M.I.A

Dear Readers,

Apologies for being away for so long it's just that I have recently moved house and currently do not have any internet access, so please bere with me whilst I adjust through this transitioning period.

Miss writing my blog.

Need to get internet connection as soon as possible.

Love XOXO

Lyrical Nonsense 3

"You a stupid hoe, you a stupid hoe" - Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj 
Repetitive and boring, we have come to expect this from you Onika. Move on.

"Sorry for party rocking! Baby, baby, baby I'm awfully crazy off Ciroc, off Patron, shit whatever's tasty"
Sorry for Party Rocking by LMFAO
How long are they going to stretch out this party rocking nonsense. We get it - you party hard. Harder than anyone else has ever partied before. Give yourselves a pat on the back. Call the police and shut down the party already, so over it - by all means party away.... on a desert island!

"This is a new situation, now you're an overnight sensation. You're not ready for the fame. oooh oh"
Fame by Amber Rose
Hmmm. where to begin?
I like Amber I really do, but babe singing is not your forte. This song is pure garbage. My ears bled for several minutes after listening to this tripe. Yes overnight sensation you may be, but overnight Sing Star you are not. The lyrics are very basic, the beat jarring and well Amber your voice is non-existent. I'm done.

"Come on turn me on"
Turn me on by David Guetta ft Nicki Minaj
David Guetta has a lot of explaining to do..... not only is he single handedly responsible for the death of R'n'B but also responsible for Nicki Minaj recent musical direction. I dislike this song very much in fact I will go as far as saying that I dislike every song by David Guetta. I mean if I actually knew him, I would probably dislike him as well. Go away.

Is Monogamy a Myth?

Can people really just be with one person for the rest of their lives?

I used to think so.... back when I was a naive and innocent 16 years old, but now at the grand age of twenty something this statement seems a bit far fetched. Call me cynical or whatever but experience and life lessons have shown me that this is very hard fete to achieve.

People's eyes are forever roving, searching for the latest meat (excuse the pun) or wanting to try the newest flavours and scents. No wonder divorce rates are throught the roof.

I blogged a while back about wanting a soulmate and I still want that but I am under no illsusions. In this day and age it is hard for people to be faithful, I am, by no means saying that everyone cheats however, a lot do. Does that mean that I have been put off from Love? NO
Certaintly not. I still have hope.

A man can love you and still cheat on you!

You may not agree with this statement.........however, you are just deceiving yourself.

Everyone is different,  people will make choices and take actions that we may not understand after all, we are human beings and therefore in essence flawed. I just hope that when my 'knight' comes; in all his glory that he will be truthful and honest. If the relationship is not working out, then he should just let me go, rather than betray me. But I guess the old adage applies ' What you don't know can't hurt you". All you can do is trust.


To trust is to let go

I once read the above 'quote' in a book called 'Surfacing' (check it out, great read) and this statement definetely applies to relationships. Trust is key. Once its broken your relationship is irreparable, no matter how hard you try to fix it.

So is Monogamy a myth? hmm not sure. Some people definetely strive to be monogamous, whilst others fail. We just have to trust that our partners will and want to stay faithful.

Relationships are like rollercoasters, you just have to sit back and enjoy the ride. Every twists and turns are lessons learnt. You are not going to enjoy them all, but some rides are worth it.

Untitled

Live, breathe, eat and die

Same old lethargic schedule

Different rules, new games

But everything still remains the same

Start listening and

Perhaps you will start to comprehend.

Life is full of shortcomings

Everyone draws the short straw

Heart wrenching struggles surrounds us

Drowning us into its deep abyss

Burrowing the depths of our souls

Until there is nothing left,

But your name etched on a gravestone

Melodic symphony threaten to ring out

Announcing a new dawn

Lulling us into a false sense of security

Embracing us with its proclamation of peace

Then one day the bombs start dropping

We run, we shield, and we hide

Flesh burning, carcass pile up

Different dictators, new era

Still the question remains unanswered

Nothings changed in all these years.

by Jay Bee

Colonisation

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I am seriously PISSED off at the world. I hate this situation.

Hate being taken for granted; hate feeling like hired help or an intruder in my ‘adopted’home. This is not the path that I would have chosen for myself or even envisioned.  But I have only myself to blame for this current ‘arrangement’.

This situation is slowly eating away at me. Driving me into despair. It’s INSANE. Sometimes i just want to cry, shut myself away and contemplate for a while. However, even that is near impossible seeing as I have limited space to breathe. When I do decide to be a hermit and hibernate for a day I am questioned as to why I am not out in the fields “ with the rest? ”. These moments make me want to scream so loud and curse until am blue in the face. I want to slam things and throw stuff against the wall to let off some steam. Instead I sit subdued, quietly fuming – burning on the inside whilst managing to plast a SMILE across my face and going to work for my master.

I am a FUCKING adult. 

Although, everyday I feel less than that.

I feel like an atm machine available at everyone’s disposal making withdrawls everyday and going into the red without a backwards glance. Always feeling like I have to go the extra mile in order to recompensate the fact that I have been given asylum.

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People say that you are a product of your surroudings, well I can safely attest to that. Somehow I thought I would be the exception, the one who changed the course of destiny. Instead I am stuck. Stuck with all the rest: in the scrapheap looking to be made new again.

I slowly feel myself entering that dark place that no-one likes to speak of. The one we reserve for the weak, the cowards. The ones who refused to wade in the waters, who we say have opted to take the easy way out. The ones that don’t fight to stay alive. Now I can understand why they take the actions that they do.

Life is a BITCH!  And I have no idea what I did to turn her wrath onto me.'s

God guna trouble the waters but I guess his not guna bother with a co-conspirator like me.